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The Bachelor

The Bachelor Review Episode 5: I’m Feelin’ 22 Stitches

The Bachelor/ ABC



This week’s episode of The Bachelor kicks off with the bachelorettes venting about their frustrations toward Alayah, former Miss Texas and current Miss Mischief. Peter eavesdrops outside the door, looking like a sad child listening to his parents fighting. Rumor has it that he asked the producers for a box of apple juice and his older brother’s stolen Nintendo DS. 

Peter gives a speech in which he apologizes for being wishy-washy, and the women engage in a pensive dialogue about said wishy-washy-ness. While I was watching this, I instantly had multiple psychic visions of Peter making a quip about being “wishy-washy” in a sponsored ad for Listerine. In the end, the cycle ends the exact same way it did 2 episodes ago, with Peter uncomfortably sending Alayah home. All right, ABC. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the producers for not being able to fabricate a more interesting storyline.

Related: The Bachelor in Costa Rica: The Funniest Tweets About Kelsey’s Breakdown, Tammy’s Realness, and the Cosmo Shoot (24×5)

Peter tells the girls that they are packing their bags to leave Cleveland head off to their next extravagant destination, clad with hot springs, lush jungles, and waterfalls–Costa Rica! Unfortunately, they had to settle for this because they couldn’t get a reservation at one of Ohio’s local indoor water parks.  

After some beautiful scenic group shots that reveal which girls are and are not comfortable behaving in a way that looks great on Instagram but is super awkward in real life, Peter arrives at the resort with a large medical bandage on his forehead. Peter tells us that he has 22 stitches — one for each year each of the bachelorettes have been alive. The shocked bachelorettes ask what happened, and Peter begins to tell the women that he was attacked by a puma–much to the chagrin of the bachelorettes, but to the absolute joy of the heads of commercial advertising at Puma Athletics. Turns out, the puma story was a fib and Peter just cut his forehead on a piece of glass when he slipped and bumped into a golf cart–which is now bad news for Puma Athletics, but great news for That Guy at a Frat Party who won’t stop pitching his idea for golf cart liability insurance. 

After Peter and Sydney’s passionate one on one date, we have another America’s Next Top Model themed group date. This time, the bachelorettes participate in a swimsuit photoshoot. 

During the shoot, several of the bachelorettes kiss Peter, who is still healing from his head injury, in a game of what I like to call “Spin the Bottle of Ibuprofen.”  

Side note while we’re on the topic of kissing– this episode allows us to become quite familiar with The Bachelor’s soft guitar “kissing music.” Here is a list of things that I think the “kissing music” on The Bachelor sounds like:

  • Background music for a commercial for antidepressants
  • Intro guitar music for a 2009 Youtube blog
  • A prolonged version of an alarm on one of those “wake you up softly and quietly” alarm clock apps
  • The one indistinct guitar riff your Hinge date will play for you unannounced for exactly 13 seconds before putting the guitar away and quickly changing the conversation topic before you can get the chance to ask him if he actually knows how to play the guitar

In what is undoubtedly one of the most honest moments of this entire season, Kelsey has an emotional breakdown about the fact that she isn’t having an emotional breakdown. She then gains her composure and solidifies her spot on one of the spinoff shows by being the first bachelorette to tell Peter that she is falling in love with him. Well played, Kelsey. 

Peter goes on a date with Kelly, the lawyer he met at a wedding who was recruited to be on the show. She expresses her completely humane and logical doubt in this process and reminds us of the ludicrousy of getting engaged to someone after going on an approximate maximum of 3 and a half dates. Peter doesn’t have much of a legitimate response but gives her a rose, and the uncomfortable/illusion-breaking feeling you get from the scene is masked by our beloved “kissing music” and some scenic shots of an expensive-looking waterfall.

Before the rose ceremony, McKenna provides some solid GIF content by doing a ton of really weird stuff with her tongue, chugging her entire cocktail in a single sip, and then looking dramatically at the ground while holding her head in her hands. Twitter is rooting for you, McKenna! Tammy accuses Kelsey of popping pills, and Kelsey defends herself, stating that she simply takes birth control and her prescribed Adderall. The only thing Kelsey is guilty of is being a gifted child in middle school, and all of the women come to her defense. This week’s episode of The Bachelor is a rush of lust and excitement, and could possibly spark some fandoms for a few of the bachelorettes. Overall, it seems like things are heating up at a rapid pace. Tune in on Wednesday for the second episode this week as Peter waits for his forehead scar to heal and starts to vibe with his on-set medical professional/plastic surgeon.


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The Bachelor

Best Tweets From the Season 27 Finale of ‘The Bachelor’



The Bachelor wrapped up its 27th season, bringing an end to Zach Shallcross’ journey of love. 

Throughout the finale, fans had a lot of thoughts, which they shared on Twitter without any hesitation. And with no audio, ABC truly demands a whole lot from its dedicated viewers.

Here are some of the best tweets and memes from The Bachelor Season 27 finale and After the Final Rose.


After all of that, Zach walked away an engaged man, proposing to Kaity Biggar, a 28-year-old nurse from Canada. 

In conclusion, it’s probably safe to say that Zach has now earned the title as the most hated Bachelor lead ever—what a season, and what a way to go out. 

If you’re looking for your next dose of drama, ABC recently announced the upcoming season of The Bachelorette starring Charity will premiere on Monday, June 26, 2023, at 9:00-11:00 p.m as part of the summer lineup, so we’ll see you there for all the drama. 

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Coffee Table News

Chris Harrison Leaving ‘The Bachelor’ Franchise After 19 Years



Here's Who Is Replacing Chris Harrison for 'The Bachelorette' Next Season

After hosting The Bachelor for nearly 20 years, Chris Harrison is leaving the show.

His exit follows the February controversy in which he defended Season 25 contestant Rachel Kirkconnell after photos of her at an Antebellum party in 2018 surfaced. At the time, he defended Kirkconnell’s actions stating that they only looked bad through a 2021 lens.

He since apologized publicly on Twitter stating he promised to do better and took a hiatus from hosting in which he became “educated on a more profound and productive level than ever before.”

However, Variety reports that despite Harrison’s desire to stay on the show, the incident’s escalation pushed Harrison’s lawyers to devise an exit strategy. A settlement was reached with Warner Horizon along the lines of eight figures.

With the hiatus becoming permanent, Warner Horizon and ABC issued a joint statement: “We are thankful for his many contributions over the past 20 years and wish him all the best on his new journey.”

While there has been no permanent replacement for the host of the franchise, the current Season 17 of The Bachelorette is being hosted by previous contestants Tayshia Adams and Kaitlyn Bristowe. And this summer’s Bachelor in Paradise will be hosted by David Spade, among a rotation of other celebrities.

Harrison took to Instagram to express his gratitude and confirm his exit: “I’ve had a truly incredible run as host of The Bachelor franchise and now I’m excited to start a new chapter. I’m so grateful to Bachelor Nation for all of the memories we’ve made together. While my two-decade journey is wrapping up, the friendships I’ve made will last a lifetime.”

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The Bachelor

Who Won Matt James’ Heart on the Season Finale of ‘The Bachelor’?



Who Won Matt James' Heart on the Season Finale of 'The Bachelor'?

For a franchise that loves to hype up each season as the “most dramatic yet,” Matt James’ season of The Bachelor really outdid itself with real-world drama surrounding Rachael Kirkconnell’s racial controversy, Chris Harrison’s downfall, and the bullying between the women in the house. 

In the season finale, Matt James expressed some doubts about his final two women: Rachael and Michelle Young. 

Best Tweets from Tonight’s ‘The Bachelor’ Finale and ‘After the Rose’

After Michelle gave him a jersey with his name on it (and a matching one for herself that read “Mrs. James), Matt decided it was the perfect time to break her heart. He explained that he didn’t feel the same way about her as she did for him. 

“I just want clarity,” Michelle said about his feelings, to which he responded: “I don’t think I could get there with you.”

And thus… that left us with one woman standing: Rachael. 

But does she get the final rose?

Matt still had doubts because he took what his mother said about love not being enough to sustain a relationship. He took that into consideration and questioned whether or not he was “there.” He realized he wasn’t sure that was ready to make a big decision or commitment like marriage regardless of the woman. 

“What do I tell Rachael,” he questioned, adding, “Rushing into something I’m not ready for is… I’m not willing to make the same mistake my dad did.”

Harrison then informed Rachael that there wouldn’t be a date that evening because Matt was confused and needed some time. Naturally, she took it personally and broke down crying. 

After some time to think it over, Matt revealed that he’s never felt this way before and that he knew he loved Rachael. 

During their last meeting, Rachael poured her heart out and said she’d choose him everyday from here on out, through the good and bad. 

Matt said that he saw what rushing a marriage did to his mom and his family and explained it’s not something he wants for them. “That’s why I can’t propose to you today,” he said, adding, “but that doesn’t mean I want to lose you.”

He explained that he wants to live his life with Rachael and wants to commit to her and build on what they started during their Bachelor journey.

“I’m in love you, and I see you as my wife and the mother of my kids,” he said. 

So, while there’s no proposal, there is a future for Rachael and Matt… that is until those photos from the antebellum photos surfaced. All of that will be addressed during the “After the Rose” ceremony hosted by Emmanuel Acho. 

During the “After the Rose” post-show, Matt revealed that his relationship with Rachael did not overcome the controversy.

“I’m really sorry that I hurt you,” Rachael told him in their first post-breakup meeting. Despite her apologies, Matt said he couldn’t get back together as she still had a lot to do. And though it was painful, the duo went their separate ways.

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