The Bachelor
The Bachelor Review Episode 5: I’m Feelin’ 22 Stitches
This week’s episode of The Bachelor kicks off with the bachelorettes venting about their frustrations toward Alayah, former Miss Texas and current Miss Mischief. Peter eavesdrops outside the door, looking like a sad child listening to his parents fighting. Rumor has it that he asked the producers for a box of apple juice and his older brother’s stolen Nintendo DS.
Peter gives a speech in which he apologizes for being wishy-washy, and the women engage in a pensive dialogue about said wishy-washy-ness. While I was watching this, I instantly had multiple psychic visions of Peter making a quip about being “wishy-washy” in a sponsored ad for Listerine. In the end, the cycle ends the exact same way it did 2 episodes ago, with Peter uncomfortably sending Alayah home. All right, ABC. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on the producers for not being able to fabricate a more interesting storyline.
Peter tells the girls that they are packing their bags to leave Cleveland head off to their next extravagant destination, clad with hot springs, lush jungles, and waterfalls–Costa Rica! Unfortunately, they had to settle for this because they couldn’t get a reservation at one of Ohio’s local indoor water parks.
After some beautiful scenic group shots that reveal which girls are and are not comfortable behaving in a way that looks great on Instagram but is super awkward in real life, Peter arrives at the resort with a large medical bandage on his forehead. Peter tells us that he has 22 stitches — one for each year each of the bachelorettes have been alive. The shocked bachelorettes ask what happened, and Peter begins to tell the women that he was attacked by a puma–much to the chagrin of the bachelorettes, but to the absolute joy of the heads of commercial advertising at Puma Athletics. Turns out, the puma story was a fib and Peter just cut his forehead on a piece of glass when he slipped and bumped into a golf cart–which is now bad news for Puma Athletics, but great news for That Guy at a Frat Party who won’t stop pitching his idea for golf cart liability insurance.
After Peter and Sydney’s passionate one on one date, we have another America’s Next Top Model themed group date. This time, the bachelorettes participate in a swimsuit photoshoot.
During the shoot, several of the bachelorettes kiss Peter, who is still healing from his head injury, in a game of what I like to call “Spin the Bottle of Ibuprofen.”
Side note while we’re on the topic of kissing– this episode allows us to become quite familiar with The Bachelor’s soft guitar “kissing music.” Here is a list of things that I think the “kissing music” on The Bachelor sounds like:
- Background music for a commercial for antidepressants
- Intro guitar music for a 2009 Youtube blog
- A prolonged version of an alarm on one of those “wake you up softly and quietly” alarm clock apps
- The one indistinct guitar riff your Hinge date will play for you unannounced for exactly 13 seconds before putting the guitar away and quickly changing the conversation topic before you can get the chance to ask him if he actually knows how to play the guitar
In what is undoubtedly one of the most honest moments of this entire season, Kelsey has an emotional breakdown about the fact that she isn’t having an emotional breakdown. She then gains her composure and solidifies her spot on one of the spinoff shows by being the first bachelorette to tell Peter that she is falling in love with him. Well played, Kelsey.
Peter goes on a date with Kelly, the lawyer he met at a wedding who was recruited to be on the show. She expresses her completely humane and logical doubt in this process and reminds us of the ludicrousy of getting engaged to someone after going on an approximate maximum of 3 and a half dates. Peter doesn’t have much of a legitimate response but gives her a rose, and the uncomfortable/illusion-breaking feeling you get from the scene is masked by our beloved “kissing music” and some scenic shots of an expensive-looking waterfall.
Before the rose ceremony, McKenna provides some solid GIF content by doing a ton of really weird stuff with her tongue, chugging her entire cocktail in a single sip, and then looking dramatically at the ground while holding her head in her hands. Twitter is rooting for you, McKenna! Tammy accuses Kelsey of popping pills, and Kelsey defends herself, stating that she simply takes birth control and her prescribed Adderall. The only thing Kelsey is guilty of is being a gifted child in middle school, and all of the women come to her defense. This week’s episode of The Bachelor is a rush of lust and excitement, and could possibly spark some fandoms for a few of the bachelorettes. Overall, it seems like things are heating up at a rapid pace. Tune in on Wednesday for the second episode this week as Peter waits for his forehead scar to heal and starts to vibe with his on-set medical professional/plastic surgeon.
Update 3/31/2020
ABC will not be moving forward with Olympics-themed spinoff “Summer Games,” Variety reported.
The competition was set to parallel the Summer Olympics in Tokyo this July, which was also canceled as a result of the global coronavirus pandemic. The sporting event was moved to next year, though, it’s unclear if the Bachelor franchise will air the series next year.
2/19/2020: The Bachelor is headed to the Olympics… well, their version of it anyway.
There doesn’t seem to be a cap on Bachelor franchise spinoffs because why would there be? We’re going to watch all of them anyway!
Just yesterday, the promo for The Bachelor: Listen To Your Heart, a musical spinoff, dropped its first promo, but here we are today talking about an Olympics-themed spinoff.
Following the success of The Bachelor Winter Games, ABC is bringing you the Summer Olympics, a summer version of the athletic spinoff playing off of the fact that the Olympics are happening this July in Tokyo.
The show will essentially feature contestants competing in Olympic-styled sports events, which will just be pure joy, and likely getting involved in drama and hooking up on the side.
“[Summer Games] will be its own thing and it’ll run — it’ll be Bachelorette Summer Games,” ABC’s Senior Vice President of Alternative Programming Rob Mills said on The Ringer’s Bachelor Party podcast on Tuesday.
“What’s nice about Summer Games, is when we did Winter Games, Bachelor was still airing, so it was a lot . . . This is Summer Games, and then Paradise will start . . . There is going to be both,” he explained.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B8sOa0YgOxZ/
“I think it’s going to be really fun,” he added. “We found a really great place to hold it. I mean, it’s going to be so fun seeing these people in these great, you know, track and field, and swimming. This is a real Olympics. To me, this is the real Olympics.”
“I still think we need to look at the creative, and it’s like, do you — if somebody is with somebody or not, can they be in it?” he said. “‘Cause there’s certain people that you’d love to see — I mean, I’d love to see Jordan [Rodgers] or Colton [Underwood].”
All of this basically translates to us living, breathing, and sleeping Bachelor content!
No premiere date has been set for Summer Games yet, but Listen to Your Heart arrives in April!
Coffee Table News
Are ‘The Bachelor’s’ Peter Weber and Kelley Dating? They Were Spotted Cozying Up in Chicago
Clearly, Peter Weber did not get the memo about social distancing.
Peter’s season of The Bachelor may be over — and spoiler: he didn’t end up with any of the women — but he seems to have found love with one of the contestants he sent home, Kelley Flanagan.
The pilot and the lawyer were seen cozying up in her hometown of Chicago on Wednesday afternoon.
The duo was spotted hitting the riverwalk and cuddling up. At one point, Peter even picked Kelley up over his head, which isn’t surprising because all the girls loved to jump on Peter when they greeted him this season.
TMZ reports that Peter was very handsy with Kelley.
All of this might have been cuter if not for the fact that Chicago is currently under a “stay at home” order to combat the coronavirus pandemic.
The whole idea is that people are supposed to be staying at home and not congregating in public meeting spaces like parks, riverwalks, beaches, etc. Chicagoans have been ignoring the government order, which is enforced by law, so the Mayor was forced to impose fines of $500 smackaroos for anyone caught purposefully breaking the rule. She also said she would shut down parks and the entire lakefront.
If Kelley is giving Peter a second chance, if they’re soulmates, if they’ve figured it all out, it’s all great, just please stay indoors and stay away from other people!
I’m sure they can find something productive to do.
And if you gotta walk the pooch, make your walk quick and 6-feet away from other people.
‘The Bachelorette’s’ Mike Johnson Reveals If He’d Ever Become ‘The Bachelor’
We’re not kidding, it lasted like a total of two days.
Just days after that dramatic The Bachelor finale which found Peter Weber and Madison Prewett vowing to give their love a chance despite plenty of objections (both vocal and through facial expressions from our girl Barb), the couple has called it quits. Done. Duzno.
Peter broke the news on Instagram thanking both Madi and ex-fiancee Hannah Ann.
Madi, thank you for your patience and unconditional love. You’re the epitome of a woman who carries herself with grace, stands by what she believes in, and loves whole heartedly. That love is something I feel so grateful to have felt and will take a piece of that with me always going forward. Madi and I have mutually decided to not pursue our relationship any further. Believe me this was not easy for either of us to be ok with, but after a lot of honest conversations, we have agreed that this is what makes most sense for the two of us. The love and respect I have for Madi will continue to endure.
Hannah Ann, you set an example for women everywhere a couple nights ago. You are such a strong, confident woman and you deserve all the love in the world. I accept full responsibility for my mistakes in our relationship and wish you only the best. This has been an emotional experience and I am so grateful for the outreach of support that I have received from friends, family, and Bachelor Nation in the last few days. Thank you to all of you! This is just a another chapter in my story.
Since then, he’s gone back to hanging out with his mom while Madi, who also posted about the break-up, has found solace playing board games with Selena Gomez.
All’s well in the world.
Naturally, Twitter had some commentary.
The faces you make when you find out that the couple you were rooting for really fricken hard on the bachelor, PETER AND MADI breakup 2 DAYS after the LIVE FINALE. Honestly I fucking quit. I’m done with this shit #TheBachelor #pilotpete #MadisonPrewett #iquit pic.twitter.com/NcBQHh6R1J
— sydneykong (@sydney_kong) March 13, 2020
#bachelor #pilotpete #BachelorNation
How I feel about the Breakup: pic.twitter.com/0KZazhOW5H— themaryelizabethlife (@themaryelizabe1) March 13, 2020
The fact #HurricaneBarb posted this the same time @madiprew and #PilotPete announced their breakup is the true meaning of #SAVAGE #TheBachelor #TheBachelorFinale #BachelorNation pic.twitter.com/X74ArmXudR
— Bachelor Padcast (@BachelorPadcast) March 13, 2020
https://twitter.com/FlamingoMacK/status/1238847146541158407?s=20
So peter proposed to Hannah Ann then broke it off because he was still in love with Madison. Then him and Madison say they are gonna try a relationship. Then two days later they break up and Peter ends up with no one. I still think barb may have had something to do with this.
— Oliviana (@olumettaa) March 14, 2020
Me: Grandma, did you see the news about Peter and Madison's break-up?
Grandma: I didn't even have to look at the news to know about that.
Post-#TheBachelor finale and the commentary from Grandma is still 🔥🔥🔥
— Surprisingly Articulate (@most_articulate) March 14, 2020
Oh, and for those of you who think Barb played a role in the breakup, Peter assures that she did not.
On his way to the gym on Friday, Weber refuted the comments saying, “This is stuff between Madi and I solely 100 percent. People have their opinions but it should just be two of us and it’s just mutual respect and love,” according to Page Six.
That’s that Bachelor Nation.
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