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The Bachelor

The Bachelor Review – Peter the Pilot Takes Off (24×01)

The Bachelor / ABC
The Bachelor/ ABC

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Peter the Pilot stole the hearts of millions on the most recent season of The Bachelorette. His charming smile, romantic gestures, and lack of involvement in drama (good riddance, Luke P.), made him an instant fan favorite. Peter, a clearly exceptional kisser (Sources: The Sauna, The Pool Table, The Dimly Lit Hallway), became a Bachelor Nation icon the night that he and Hannah had sex in the windmill four times (which Hannah announced to America–and Peter’s parents–in front of a live studio audience). This pilot has stamina, and he is frankly making me rethink my passive-aggressive attitudes toward Delta Airlines. 

The season premiere begins with various glimpses of Peter’s life as a pilot. He looks confident, and his smile is so perfect that it makes me want to start wearing my retainer again. We see a shot of Peter in his pilot uniform strutting down the runway, like a Victoria’s Secret model in 2002, and then taking selfies with slightly disinterested fans, like a Victoria’s Secret model in 2020.

Chris Harrison announces that we have entered the THREE HOUR BACHELOR PREMIERE. This officially makes The Bachelor Season 24 Premiere either the next Quentin Tarantino movie or your local high school’s production of “Fiddler On The Roof.”

HOUR ONE

At the iconic Bachelor Mansion, Peter meets his eligible bachelorettes. In a sea of floor-length gowns, one bachelorette inspires us with a sparkly and powerful jumpsuit, much like Broadway’s Queen Elsa. As we meet the bachelorettes, several of them reassure us, “I’m just a normal girl,” which gives me hope that this season will mimic the charm of a classic 90’s rom-com.

Drama ensues when Hannah Brown (last season’s Bachelorette and Peter’s ex), makes an unexpected guest appearance. This instantly inspires anxiety, and we see a group of panicked bachelorettes running around in the back of the shot like cartoon rats in a chase scene of Tom and Jerry. Before a commercial break, Peter emotionally professes to the bachelorettes that he is ready to find love.

(Side note: during this commercial break there was a jingle in a Chilli’s commercial that I very much enjoyed).

HOUR TWO

While last season, The Bachelor made it very clear that Colton was a virgin, this season, the show makes it very clear that Peter is not. We see handcuffs, blindfolds, intrusive TSA scans, and some understandably uncomfortable “dry” humor about getting wet (brought to you by ABC – Anything But Coy).

At this point, things really start kicking into gear. Peter shares intimate moments and finds connections, and we start to get an idea of which bachelorettes are going to be memes. We also see some common Bachelor tropes (one girl “stealing time” with the bachelor, three girls in red and/or black dresses drinking wine and criticizing their competition). At the first rose ceremony, the bachelorettes brace themselves for the most intense aspect of this episode– an overnight shoot with no breaks that ends at 6 am. 

The next morning, when the rose ceremony has concluded and the bachelorettes have taken their five-hour energy shots, the group engages in some aviation-themed activities and trivia. With fancy pilot terms such as ‘thrust’, ‘cockpit’, and ‘bang’, The Bachelor reminds us yet again that Peter is not a virgin. 

At the end of the hour, The Bachelor observes reality television history, with a very America’s Next Top Model-esque “quick change within an obstacle course” challenge.

HOUR THREE: The Final Hour

Things seem to be going very well for Peter. After he takes one of the bachelorettes to meet his entire extended family and be a part of his parent’s vow renewal, she gushes to him about how much she values taking things slow in relationships. The date concludes with the couple dancing, featuring a live performance from The Country Band That No One Knows. 

One of the women emotionally shares with us that she’d never been given flowers, and Peter unenthusiastically gives her a bushel of roses that he found planted outside in a bush. Once again, the production team at The Bachelor reassures us that dreams really do come true [in Hollywood].

The final portion of the episode/saga takes a sharp dramatic turn when a familiar face, Hannah Brown, returns again for some end-of-the-episode emotional drama. This segment is responsible for the loss of multiple dignities and was not sponsored by waterproof mascara. 

With its season 24 premiere, The Bachelor serves us with a thrilling night of entertainment that will inspire the hearts of millions and provoke at least 36 hours of fights on Twitter. Bachelor Nation, welcome to the world of Peter the Pilot: The Sweet Guy Who Also F**ks.

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The Bachelor

The Bachelor Week 8 Review – Fantasy Suite, Mates!

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This week on The Bachelor, Peter and the final three bachelorettes fly all the way to Gold Coast, Australia for Fantasy Suite week. We may be at the Gold Coast, but we all know that with this group, there will be absolutely no coasting. Unless you’re considering the coaster under my glass of wine while I play this Bachelor-themed drinking game.

When the bachelorettes arrive in Australia, they expect to get some alone time away from the other contestants so they can focus on their relationship with Peter. However, it turns out they’ve been set up to stay together in the same condo, and no one is happy about it. They were expecting Australia to be sweet, mate– they were not expecting suite-mates. We see a cringe-worthy sequence of the bachelorettes saying hello to each other like a bunch of college freshmen who were hoping for a single dorm room and realized they were moving into a quad with bunk beds and no counter space for their monogrammed Keurig. This pairs nicely with lots of uncomfortable forced conversation, awkward silences, and high-waisted jean shorts. 

First, Peter takes Hannah Ann out on their one-on-one date. They go jet skiing, lounge together on a private beach, and have unnotable conversation underscored by The Bachelor’s soft guitar kissing music. At their dinner date, Hannah Ann reads a “handwritten” letter from our host Chris “Caligraphy” Harrison inviting the couple to spend the night together in their Fantasy Suite. Hannah reads the note out loud very slowly and very smiley like a child reading a letter to Santa Claus or Spongebob’s Patchy the Pirate reading fan mail from *Name and Address Withheld*. The date ends with a shot of Peter and Hannah Ann getting steamy up against a wall with a fade-out into a dramatic shot of the moon, like some extremely well-executed Twilight fanfiction.

Up next is Peter’s date with Victoria, the villain of the season. They spend their date in a helicopter but sadly there are no “Peter the Pilot” puns. Once they’re back on the ground, Victoria spends a lot of time skipping around like a toddler and saying “Wee!!” Or maybe she was actually just saying “WWE,” since it seems like the only thing she likes to do is fight. Alas, the date goes “well,” meaning that they don’t have a screaming match, a breakup, or any run-ins with ex-lovers–just a very uncommunicative conversation about their lack of communication skills. After another appearance from Chris “Caligraphy” Harrison, Peter and Victoria head to the fantasy suites where they presumably go to helicop-a-feel.

Lastly, Peter meets up with Madison, who has seemed to be bachelorette Peter has the strongest feelings for from the get-go. This date is basically just a set up for some serious drama, since Madison, a devout Christian, is saving herself for marriage and has not been entirely clear with Peter about the level of discomfort she feels over the possibility of him sleeping with the other bachelorettes. We all know this is going to be a huge issue since Peter definitely likes to get into trouble in a way that I very much respect. Their day begins with an extremely phallic date climbing up the tallest skyscraper in the Gold Coast. They take an elevator up to the 77th floor, symbolizing the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, sloth, and being here for the wrong reasons. As she approaches the skyscraper, Madison tells Peter that she is terrified of heights, leading me to the assumption that the producers on The Bachelor just ask what your biggest fear is and then proceed to use it against you on the show. This makes me want to audition for The Bachelor and tell them that my biggest fear is one million dollars and a CBD gummy endorsement deal. 

Once Peter and Madison climb to the top of the skyscraper, they take selfies hanging off the edge of the building, letting us know that this episode will be ending on a cliffhanger. At the end of the night, Madison and Peter have an emotional confrontation about intimacy that is truly brutal for both parties. The episode ends without a conclusion, leaving us with tons of questions about what is going to happen next. Chris Harrison tells us that this is going to be the Most Dramatic Season Finale ever, and we see an epic shot of Peter’s mom sobbing her eyes out and pleading to him, “Don’t let her go! Bring her home to us!” –officially making Peter the Pilot’s mother the Jean Valjean of our generation. 

Check out the best memes from this episode here!

 

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Coffee Table News

The Funniest ‘The Bachelor’ Tweets and Memes From This Monday’s Fantasy Suites

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The Bachelor Fantasy Suite Tweets and Memes

Fantasy Suite week is upon us on The Bachelor Season 24!

And, as usual, Twitter had a lot to say about Madison’s ultimatum, Victoria F, the final 3 living together in awkwardness, Peter Weber’s difficult choice, and more.

Check out our Bachelor guide for all upcoming premiere dates and see the best and funniest tweets from Monday night below:

Play CraveYouTV’s Bachelor drinking game — check out the rules!

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The Bachelor

The Official “The Bachelor” Drinking Game

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The Bachelor Episode 2 Review

Peter the Pilot may be looking for his perfect match, but we all know that there will only ever be one true pairing for The Bachelor: a Monday night glass of wine.

So we’ve put together a drinking game that any Bachelor fan will enjoy– whether you’re with your loved one, at a massive slumber party, hanging out in Cleveland, or curled up on the couch all alone in your sweatpants eating dairy-free ice cream and questioning all of your romantic decisions, this game is for you!   

(Note: This specific season happens to pair especially well with champagne)

 

LEVEL ONE: GENERAL “THE BACHELOR” TAG WORDS

Take a drink every time someone says:

  • The Right Reasons
  • Blindsided
  • Falling in love
  • I’m all in
  • I’m sick of all this drama
  • Date card
  • Rose ceremony
  • Fantasy Suites
  • Chris Harrison

LEVEL TWO: SPECIFIC TO PETER’S SEASON

Take a drink every time:

  • There is a dramatic wide shot of Peter making out with someone (take two drinks if this precedes a commercial break)
  • Peter cancels a cocktail party
  • Victoria cries 
  • Someone’s ex appears on the show
  • You hear a pilot pun
  • Peter reminds you of a favorite movie character (possible answers: Harry Potter because of his forehead scar, Troy Bolton from High School Musical because he wears a basketball jersey, Maria from The Sound of Music because of his thing with windmills)
  • You remember that Peter has a scar on his forehead because he tripped and fell off of a golf cart
  • You miss the contestants from last season

 

LEVEL THREE: PARALLELS TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL PAST

Take a drink every time:

  • Peter does something that reminds you of one of your exes
  • One of the contestants does something that reminds you of something you did with an ex
  • Chris Harrison’s absence reminds you of your distant father

 

LEVEL FOUR: EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Take a drink every time:

  • The Bachelor makes you question the concept of marriage
  • The Bachelor makes you question the concept of love
  • The Bachelor makes you question the concept of life itself

 

Check out our weekly recaps of The Bachelor here!!

 

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