The second episode of The Bachelor begins immediately where we left off with Hannah Brown’s dramatic return, where she has asked Peter (who was initially her third choice on her season of The Bachelorette) to give her one more chance. (Note: This was shortly after she made a suspiciously similar proposition to Tyler C., her first-runner up, in front of Peter–and his parents–in front of a live studio audience). After a dramatic “will he or won’t he” staring off into the distance sequence, Peter stands his ground and respectfully turns Hannah down as he tells her, “I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want them.”
Several perplexed meteorologists have predicted that this caused a level 3 earthquake at exactly 8:04 pm EST as every live viewer in America screamed “YAS, PETER!” at their television sets in perfect unison. After an uncomfortable goodbye, Hannah dejectedly exits the scene and makes her way over to the sound stage for Season 28 of Dancing With The Stars, where she ultimately wins the competition. Don’t worry, Hannah–in the world of ABC, good things come to those who rate.
Things kick back into gear as Peter starts sharing some of his “first moments” with the supporting character Bachelorettes. They deliver their backstory monologues–a sometimes tedious but extremely necessary aspect of The Bachelor, as their critical reception plays a key role in shaping the futures of the bachelorette’s upcoming careers as social media influencers. Much like the periods of recitative in Les Miserables, we understand that this needs to happen to further the plot, and we slowly develop an only slightly ironic adoration for these glimpses into their pre-CBD-oil-and-hair-vitamin-endorsement-deal lives.
Peter shares a moment of genuine chemistry and romance with Madison, the bachelorette who went on last week’s one-on-one date. He gives her a thoughtful memento of their time together, and it becomes clear–he really likes her. When they kiss, we can physically see Peter–and the dozens of candles blowing smoke all over the set much longer than their contract stated—melting at a rapid pace.
AND NOW–WE INTRODUCE THE FIRST ACTION-ADVENTURE SERIES OF SEASON 24 OF THE BACHELOR, “THE BACHELORETTE WARS EPISODE I: THE CHAMPAGNE STRIKES BACK”.
The entire house is shaken when Hannah Ann, the possible villain of the season, steals Peter from one of the girls and proceeds to pop the bottle of champagne that Kelsey had saved from her birthday specifically to share with Peter. We go through several exciting twists and turns: Did Hannah Ann know that it was Kelsey’s bottle of champagne? Will Kelsey be able to gain her composure post-emotional breakdown? Who will get to share their side of the story with Peter first? And, most importantly, was the champagne sweet or dry? It’s a classic case of she-said/she-said/producer-staged.
Last week, there was a quick-change-within-an-obstacle-course challenge that merely flirted with a debatable similarity to America’s Next Top Model. But THIS week, the ANTM resemblance is so striking and so thrilling that you almost forget that you’re watching The Bachelor. I’m not kidding–Janice Dickinson herself literally comes onto the show as a guest judge in a runway modeling competition, and I’m pretty sure the script for her quippy remarks was taken directly from a file deep within The CW’s archives titled, “in remembrance of legitimate content.” As someone who spent the majority of her wisdom tooth removal recovery popping Vicodin and bingeing America’s Next Top Model, this is an absolute dream come true.
One of my favorite moments of the episode is when guest judge Carson Kressley proclaims, “Boyfriends are temporary, but cashmere is forever.” I’m sorry, did you say cashmere or cash-merch?
If you’re craving moments of dramatic intensity and could use some lessons on how-to-not-open-a-bottle-of-champagne, look no further–The Bachelor has got you covered.
The Best Memes from The Bachelor’s Champagne Gate
All we have to say is Champagne Gate on The Bachelor.
Kelsey vs. Hannah Ann – which team are you?
— Niki Bell (@nicoletteholly) January 14, 2020
— Bailey Braaksma (@b_braaksma) January 14, 2020
— CraveYouTV (@CraveYouTV) January 14, 2020
SOMEONE OPENS KELSEY’S BOTTLE AND THEN THE SECOND BOTTLE EXPLODES IN HER FACE?! I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD FROM THIS SHOW. You can’t script this shit. THIS SHOW. #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/6vqCIarPTU
— Emily Schwartz (@emilycschwartz) January 14, 2020
— mari ✰ (@marishakishviIi) January 14, 2020
— Joanna. B (@JoJoBaer3736) January 14, 2020
The bachelor producers when they put an extra bottle of champagne out knowing that someone will mistake Kelsey’s bottle for one of the bottles the producers left and start drama #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/b8Vgw67Z2v
— Trav (@trav_beau) January 14, 2020
— brooklyn (@brookebeis) January 14, 2020
— Kat (@KathleenSarah96) January 14, 2020
— Henry Chang (@t_witlessHen18) January 14, 2020
— The Bachelor Diaries (@thebachdiaries) January 14, 2020
9 Funniest Tweets About The Bachelor Season 24 Premiere
The Bachelor premiered in a three-hour drama-filled, teary, Hannah B mascara-running episode.
We’ve rounded up some of our favorite tweets from the premiere.
You can read our full Bachelor review right here!
— Bella Binder (@bella_binder) January 7, 2020
— Johana (@_johanaasanchez) January 7, 2020
Peter: I’m looking for my copilot, I love planes, flying is in my blood
— Megan Elise (@MeganElise26) January 7, 2020
The most realistic part of #TheBachelor tonight was Hannah and Peter just yelling “I don’t know” back and forth when talking about what they want in that relationship
— Kayla Pace (@KP_on_TV) January 7, 2020
— Sammy Gimblin (@sammy_b_1) January 7, 2020
— kat (@kat_nein) January 7, 2020
— Elizabeth Heffernan (@e_heff16) January 7, 2020
Bachelor producer: No this is definitely the waterproof kind I swear why would I lie
— the art of living frenchfully (@frenchfully) January 7, 2020
— Monica (@monitweetstrash) January 7, 2020
Victoria F: telling her terrible joke for the second time tonight.
Literally all of us:
— Laura Reuter (@HeyLauraReuter) January 7, 2020
The Bachelor Review – Peter the Pilot Takes Off (24×01)
Peter the Pilot stole the hearts of millions on the most recent season of The Bachelorette. His charming smile, romantic gestures, and lack of involvement in drama (good riddance, Luke P.), made him an instant fan favorite. Peter, a clearly exceptional kisser (Sources: The Sauna, The Pool Table, The Dimly Lit Hallway), became a Bachelor Nation icon the night that he and Hannah had sex in the windmill four times (which Hannah announced to America–and Peter’s parents–in front of a live studio audience). This pilot has stamina, and he is frankly making me rethink my passive-aggressive attitudes toward Delta Airlines.
The season premiere begins with various glimpses of Peter’s life as a pilot. He looks confident, and his smile is so perfect that it makes me want to start wearing my retainer again. We see a shot of Peter in his pilot uniform strutting down the runway, like a Victoria’s Secret model in 2002, and then taking selfies with slightly disinterested fans, like a Victoria’s Secret model in 2020.
Chris Harrison announces that we have entered the THREE HOUR BACHELOR PREMIERE. This officially makes The Bachelor Season 24 Premiere either the next Quentin Tarantino movie or your local high school’s production of “Fiddler On The Roof.”
At the iconic Bachelor Mansion, Peter meets his eligible bachelorettes. In a sea of floor-length gowns, one bachelorette inspires us with a sparkly and powerful jumpsuit, much like Broadway’s Queen Elsa. As we meet the bachelorettes, several of them reassure us, “I’m just a normal girl,” which gives me hope that this season will mimic the charm of a classic 90’s rom-com.
Drama ensues when Hannah Brown (last season’s Bachelorette and Peter’s ex), makes an unexpected guest appearance. This instantly inspires anxiety, and we see a group of panicked bachelorettes running around in the back of the shot like cartoon rats in a chase scene of Tom and Jerry. Before a commercial break, Peter emotionally professes to the bachelorettes that he is ready to find love.
(Side note: during this commercial break there was a jingle in a Chilli’s commercial that I very much enjoyed).
While last season, The Bachelor made it very clear that Colton was a virgin, this season, the show makes it very clear that Peter is not. We see handcuffs, blindfolds, intrusive TSA scans, and some understandably uncomfortable “dry” humor about getting wet (brought to you by ABC – Anything But Coy).
At this point, things really start kicking into gear. Peter shares intimate moments and finds connections, and we start to get an idea of which bachelorettes are going to be memes. We also see some common Bachelor tropes (one girl “stealing time” with the bachelor, three girls in red and/or black dresses drinking wine and criticizing their competition). At the first rose ceremony, the bachelorettes brace themselves for the most intense aspect of this episode– an overnight shoot with no breaks that ends at 6 am.
The next morning, when the rose ceremony has concluded and the bachelorettes have taken their five-hour energy shots, the group engages in some aviation-themed activities and trivia. With fancy pilot terms such as ‘thrust’, ‘cockpit’, and ‘bang’, The Bachelor reminds us yet again that Peter is not a virgin.
At the end of the hour, The Bachelor observes reality television history, with a very America’s Next Top Model-esque “quick change within an obstacle course” challenge.
HOUR THREE: The Final Hour
Things seem to be going very well for Peter. After he takes one of the bachelorettes to meet his entire extended family and be a part of his parent’s vow renewal, she gushes to him about how much she values taking things slow in relationships. The date concludes with the couple dancing, featuring a live performance from The Country Band That No One Knows.
One of the women emotionally shares with us that she’d never been given flowers, and Peter unenthusiastically gives her a bushel of roses that he found planted outside in a bush. Once again, the production team at The Bachelor reassures us that dreams really do come true [in Hollywood].
The final portion of the episode/saga takes a sharp dramatic turn when a familiar face, Hannah Brown, returns again for some end-of-the-episode emotional drama. This segment is responsible for the loss of multiple dignities and was not sponsored by waterproof mascara.
With its season 24 premiere, The Bachelor serves us with a thrilling night of entertainment that will inspire the hearts of millions and provoke at least 36 hours of fights on Twitter. Bachelor Nation, welcome to the world of Peter the Pilot: The Sweet Guy Who Also F**ks.
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